The Swingers Express is the voice of UK Swingers

Free inside every copy of Avante Swingers 

Inside the Swingers Express are stories from around the UK relating to Swingers. Whether positive press or bad press or just hilarious, the Swingers Express will bring you, the UK Swinger, the news as it happens.

Mirror.co.uk 27 November 2006 Robert Stansfield

“A policeman who guarded the Prime Minister is seen posing in his underpants on a sleazy swinger’s website and boasts about having sex in public” writes Robert Stansfield. The reporter adds “PC Rob Balmforth, 36, trawled the internet looking for women to join him and another officer for sex.”

“I used to stand outside Downing Street. Gordon Brown is a right arrogant bastard. Cherie makes a lovely cup of tea” he said.

A woman he emailed said “…he’s married, he could easily be left open to blackmail putting the force and fellow officers at risk”

Swingers Times says: Rob Balmforth denies knowledge of being on the site. There are two paths here. Someone may know him and be using his anecdotes to attract women. Or maybe he has used his position to attempt to brag and get sexual favours in exchange for tit tat gossip on the government. Personally we don’t think the fact Gordon Brown is an arrogant bastard is a breach of national security. More confirmation of what we all suspected anyway.

24dash.com 23 November 2006 Jon Land

“A bird-watching hide in a woodland beauty spot has restricted its opening times - after it was targeted by strangers meeting for sex.” Says Jon Land who goes on to say “The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, which runs the 119-hectare site, has now taken action in an attempt to drive away the unwelcome visitors. Police have also been called in to investigate the seedy activities, which have been going on since the start of the year. Barry Embling, who manages the site, told the Western Daily Press: "I have been told that people have been innocently watching birds in the hide and gentlemen have come in with perhaps other intentions. I don't know what goes on. It's all rather lurid and disgusting, but I frequently have to clear up in the car park."

Swingers Times says: Not so long ago bird watchers hounded a very rare bird to death. The poor thing was exhausted after arriving from Mongolia and these sad fools wouldn’t let it land for a rest. Maybe they should watch doggers. They’re not hurting them by watching and doggers are helping the RSPB by stopping twitchers from hounding any other rare birds to death. Well done doggers of Highnam Woods in Gloucester.

Daily Mail 26 November 2006 James Tozer

“Most parents do not know whether their son or daughter is sexually active and are happy to leave the whole question of sex education to teachers, a poll has revealed.” Reports James Tozer who adds “The poll also found parents were resistant to some more "alternative" sexual practices being taught to their children. More than three-quarters (77 per cent) were opposed to the likes of "dogging", "bondage" and "cruising" being discussed in the classroom, while more than one in four (27 per cent) said homosexuality should not be covered.”

Swingers Times says: Ignorance is a dangerous thing. Fore warned is fore armed. If these things are not discussed as education for young adults then they may find out about such things from unreliable sources and get an inaccurate picture of what they are. Parents are responsible for their children and shouldn’t just pooh pooh something because they themselves are unaware of what they are. That’s just not a responsible attitude is it?

The People.co.uk 12 November 2006 Melanie Swan

“Orange phone boss Tony Kimber always looked busy on his mobile phone and now stunned colleagues know why” writes Melanie Swan. “The highly respected £75,000 a year manager with the telecom giant was hiring pay-as-you-go hookers with his mobile phone”

Mr Kimber romped with £500 a night prostitutes arranged on his expenses phone account and has since secured a £150 000 a year job. He also used the companies PC to log on to a swingers website to arrange meets with local swingers but began using the prostitutes after becoming worried that someone may identify him.

Mr Kimber strenuously denies these allegations saying he was simply made redundant and that someone was causing trouble

Swingers Times says: We are having trouble seeing what the reason for reporting Mr Kimber is? If he is guilty of the claims against him, so what? Is it in the interest of the public to know? And if he is innocent has not a great amount of damage been done? For what gain? To pad out the columns of a tabloid newspaper. Maybe a story on the paedophiles who have avoided bale hostels and gone underground would be of more concern to the readers of this paper…but then that may take a bit of investigative journalism. Shame on you Ms Swan.

Weston and Somerset Mercury 8 November 2006 

“Wildlife campaigners are calling for better Police patrols to stamp out dogging in Backwell Lane.” Writes the Western and Somerset Mercury. They add “Local Wildlife Warden and member of Backwell Trust Dot Baker said “A group of us were bat detecting at the lake and we heard a rustle in the bushes. Then a couple came out of the undergrowth both pulling up their trousers. There are also cars parked up late into the night which makes us wonder what’s going on. What we need is more regular police patrols to stop this sort of anti-social behaviour”
“Community beat officer PC Greig Difford said “We have not received any calls or complaints about Backwell Lake”

Swingers Times says: OK. It seems Dot Baker isn’t happy so the world should stop turning. This appears to be one woman’s crusade about everything she personally doesn’t like, regardless of how the majority feel. What next we wonder? A 999 phone call reporting that nasty car drivers are creating smoke which ruins the beautiful sunrise over the lake? It would seem that dogging isn’t a major problem here. If Ms Baker had complained about litter discarded and affecting wildlife and scenery then maybe we could sympathise but as no one is breaking the law here we think she should keep looking up….there are no bats on the ground….except maybe one daft one.

The People.co.uk 5 November 2006 Paul Kennedy

“An amazing catalogue of blunders, sex scandals and drug taking at Britain’s biggest funeral directors can be revealed today” writes Paul Kennedy who adds “…workers snorted cocaine and fixed swinger’s sex romps via office computers”
“In a raunchy email found on an office computer a swingers said his ‘wife was looking for her first bi experience”

Swingers Times says: And that’s just the preparation. Imagine the Waich!!!

Mirror.co.uk 27 October 2006 Victoria Bone

“A Dad drugged and killed his daughter with Chloroform to punish his cheating wife, a court heard yesterday. Hospital radiographer Gavin Hall, 33, put Milly in her favourite nightdress then gave her anti-depressants to make her drowsy. He cuddled her for an hour before holding a cloth soaked in anaesthetic over her mouth for the 20 seconds it took her to die” writes Victoria Bone.

She adds “Hall sent his wife Joanne texts as she slept upstairs. The final one said: "Goodbye. Milly sends her love. She died at 3.32 am. She did not suffer. My pills and the chloroform saw to that. Hall took the anti-depressants and slashed his neck, thighs and arms. Nurse Joanne, 31, came downstairs at 8am carrying their one-year-old Lucy to find Hall unconscious and Milly dead.”

Joanne said their six-year marriage floundered in 2005. Then Hall discovered his wife was having sex with a part-time judge she met on the internet. He went off work sick and talked of suicide. They joined a swingers' club in a failed bid to save their marriage. Joanne arranged to move out of their home in Irchester, Northants, with the children.”

Swingers Times says: Tragic. This enhances the stance among most of the swinging community that the lifestyle is about openness and honesty. A failing relationship will not be repaired by swinging. It will fail quicker. As for Gavin Hall - ****!! Rest in Peace innocent Milly.

Evening Star 24 26 October 2006 

Further to our article from 7th October:

“A SUFFOLK picnic site beside the A14 will remain closed until the new year while measures are put in place to prevent the return of people who use it as a place to have sex.” Write the Evening Star 24 “The Haughley picnic site was closed last month after it was discovered perverts were using the area for sexual activities”

Swingers Times says: like we said back then…. You’ve only got yourselves to blame for this one. CLEAR UP after you!

Bedford News 08 October 2006

“People searching the internet for news about Bedford Borough’s Conservatives could be in for a shock. A site bearing the group’s name includes links to explicit sex pages. Bedford Town Talk bills itself as the official internet guide to Bedford town centre. On it there is a link to a site for Bedford Conservatives but once on the site a section called ‘dating’ offers entry to an ‘adult’ area.” Write the Bedford News. They add:
“From there surfers are led to a selection of X-rated sites such as ‘adult friend finder’ the sex and swingers site.”

Swingers Times says: We almost fell over at the thought of this one! Politicians being honest! We know a lot of MPs are swingers, doggers, subs, doms, etc etc but we never ever imagined they’d like to sites. If you’re reading Mr Cameron, how about this for a slogan “Vote Conservative! They’re bloody honest!”

Eveningstar24.co.uk 07 October 2006 Caroline Innes

“A SUFFOLK picnic site off the A14 is set to remain closed until authorities figure out a way of preventing the return of doggers. The Haughley picnic site, near Stowmarket was closed last month after rangers discovered the area was being used for kinky activities.” Writes Caroline Innes. She adds: “Haughley picnic site was the first of two locations in the county to be flagged up as suspected dogging sites last month. The closure of the site was followed by an Ipswich man calling for action at the Bridge Wood Car Park at Orwell Country Park.”

Swingers Times says: OK. We’ve tried telling you but no one seems to listen. CLEAN UP!!!

(Last updated 28th November 2006)

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