New to the Lifestyle? 

Swinging or ‘The Lifestyle’ as it’s called can be a minefield for people new to the scene. There seems to be so many hidden rules and points of etiquette it’s hard not to tread on anyone’s toes and upset someone in some way. Then of course there are sites and people who claim to want to help you but some may give you an unbalanced view on the pros and cons and hide an ulterior motive maybe just want fresh blood to the scene.

We at Avante Swingers want to be different. We are going to be honest. It’s your life and some of the things we say may put you off swinging but if that happens then maybe swinging wasn’t right for you anyway. We would rather lose you as a member than be an accessory to upsetting your life.

The following tips are researched and written with the new swinger in mind. We have spoken to swingers and ex-swingers, happy swingers and unhappy swingers to produce a balanced view specifically to advise you on what to consider. This article took a lot of research and a lot of time but if it helps just one single person we think we’ve done our job. 

Where do I start?

Have you and your partner talked about this step in an open and honest way? Choose somewhere neutral yet comfortable and relaxed. The topic you are discussing could change your life in a major way for better or for worse and it’s important you have your say and air your views and concerns. Often when someone informs their partner they want to consider swinging, that partner often ridicules it or is deeply hurt. The fact they have come to you deserves credit because they want to share this with you and not just have an affair. Now that you have broached the subject sleep on it then talk about it again tomorrow. Things may look different.

Have you given an honest reason why you want to explore swinging? Are you happy with your partner’s reasons for wanting to try swinging? Never under any circumstances exert pressure on your partner to get into swinging. Swinging is something you do together. Swinging without your partner’s knowledge isn’t swinging…it’s called cheating!

Have you thought about the reality of what will happen? It is easy to consider yourself having sex with other people for your own satisfaction but how are you going to feel when your partner reacts to sex with someone else in a way they don’t react with you? What if your partner does things with someone else they haven’t done with you and is very enthusiastic? What if your partner is more popular and more in demand than you? A quote used in swinging is “It is the man that often leads a couple into swinging but it is the woman that keeps them there”. One partner can easily come to resent the other’s popularity. Take this time to consider me sleeping with your wife and her really, really enjoying it while you watch or just sit at the bar alone. How do you feel now? 

How far are you prepared to go and how far would you be prepared to see your partner go? Agree on a limit and constantly check in with your partner. Arrange a code or a signal to use if one or the other becomes uncomfortable with the situation.  Agree on your boundaries and inform people you talk to about those boundaries. When you get home from your first experience talk about it straight away. Discuss how you feel, what you liked and what you disliked. Talk about it again in the morning. 

What should I expect from swinging? 

Do not expect a miracle cure for an ailing relationship. Swinging could so easily tear you and your partner apart. A lot of people and sites warn of the dangers of falling in love with another swinger. It does happen though and has happened a lot. More than most swingers would like to admit. Many swingers will pick up on this fact through experience and intuition and you may find that many swingers will avoid you knowing what is about to happen and not wanting to be part of the ensuing disaster.  

Many people find the thought of having access to many partners very arousing and that swinging improves their own sex life. Maybe someone does something you enjoy but have never even considered until then. This can be shared with your partner to enhance your sex life back at home. Others feel society has repressed sexuality and are relieved to be in a forum where open sexuality is the norm and uninhibited and totally non-judgemental. It can be an incredibly liberating feeling. 

Some swingers believe that sex is not actually part of being in love with someone and is purely a physically satisfying experience and not at all spiritual. This then means it is as enjoyable as a delightful meal or a good movie. It is something that should be enjoyed by many. It can be an ego boost to find that many other people are prepared to have sex with you and find you attractive. It can also be a journey of exploration to better understand oneself. 

Possibly due to the newness of swinging in the UK there is very little evidence to support whether swinging can be a good thing or damaging to a relationship. Some people may only use swinging for a short period of time until they realise they have learnt enough about themselves and their partner. It is rare to find very seasoned swingers although they do exist. Whether this be because ultimately relationships are broken by swinging or whether it is not something that has longevity is yet to be proved or disproved.  

If you are uncomfortable with people paying you attention and being sexually attracted to you and suggestive then swinging is not for you. Similarly if you are uncomfortable seeing your partner being the centre of attention and intimate with someone then swinging isn’t a good idea. If seeing people having sex openly bothers you then it is not your thing. If being approached by members of the same sex offends you then swingers clubs may not be ideal for you and advertising on our site is probably better. 

Some clubs have little or no restrictions on single men attending. This can be one of the biggest problem areas for swingers. There is a train of thought that single men are not swingers and that swingers can only be couples. Why should a single man be admitted into an environment where others have brought a partner for others to share? It can be compared to somebody turning up at a bring-a-bottle party with nothing and helping themselves to food and drink. However some swingers enjoy threesomes with one woman and two men. It is in this situation that a single man can be appreciated so keep in mind that although you may not find it a comfortable scenario, there will be others that enjoy it. 

There are three types of swinging. The Closed Swing is the type of swinging most people are familiar with. This is basically wife-swapping where your partner will disappear with someone else and their partner will be with you. Open Swing is swapping partners but in the same room. For new swingers Soft Swing is a popular choice until confidence is built up. This is basically having sex with your own partner in view of other people. You don’t have to swap partners to enjoy swinging. Sometimes flirting in a sexually open atmosphere can be enough. 

What are the hidden rules? 

Several prominent swingers and websites have attempted to formalise the rules of swinging. We at Avante Swingers believe it is simple. Be honest, be open and respect others and you wont go far wrong. We have taken the opportunity to highlight some of the guidelines mentioned all over the web. 

Be honest with each other about your emotions. If you feel jealous then tell your partner, if you don't, this could be more damaging as things progress. Good communication is critical in any attempt at swinging.

Never exert pressure on a partner to swing. It has to be a mutual agreement.

Always maintain the highest standards of personal hygiene and appearance.

Be friendly with your swing partners, but reserve that exclusive intimacy for a spouse or partner

Show respect for the personal feelings of other swingers. Be aware that this is a lifestyle full of insecurities, uncertainties and fears.

Treat people the way we ourselves want to be treated.

Realise that No means No. Everyone has the right to say no at all times, to anyone. If you are told ‘no’ don’t seek an explanation.

Only go as far as you want to and feel comfortable with. You will be accepted if you chose to remain outside the main activity although it is recommended that you try to include your self as much as possible

Don't worry about asking questions, swingers are generally interested in meeting new people, and will help explain as much as possible.

Be friendly. A warm smile has a positive effect on every body.

Watching how others behave is a good idea.

I’m scared swinging will ruin my relationship 

Avante Swingers©