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Glory Holes

A Glory Hole is one hell of a gamble to satisfy your sexual needs. Lets look at this objectively to start with before we get all subjective on it. It is a hole in the wall of a toilet cubicle and therein lays the first danger. Unless the hole has been cut and all rough edges have been filed off you run a risk of snagging your pride and joy on entry. Also there is a risk of infection and disease as residue from previous users can often contaminate the hole itself.

The other thing to bear in mind with a glory hole is the thickness of the wall. If you have a proud and erect specimen that’s 6 inches long and the wall is 5 inches thick you’re only going to be able to pop an inch through and that’s not going to inspire the person on the other side is it? And lets not forget, who is on the other side? It may not be the nubile gorgeous female of your wildest fantasy but more likely to be a middle-aged businessman with a fetish for being a dirty boy.

And what if it’s neither person the other side of the glory hole. What if, as is often the case in the less salubrious toilets of this green and pleasant land, it is a violent robber the other side with an accomplice who will gladly take your manhood in his mouth and clamp his teeth on it whilst his partner breaks the door down to your cubicle and fleeces your pockets and wallet? You’re hardly going to wander into the local police station and report you had your valuables taken while you were pressed against a toilet wall with your knob through a hole on the off chance Claudia Schiffer was in town and needed a piss. Or what if the person the other side is an officer of the law? Wellington boots are the only thing supposed to be sucked off in bogs so you’ve just committed an offence under section 66 of the 2003 Sex Act.

The next pitfall is where do you find a glory hole that’s active? It’s an unpaid job so you can hardly expect people to sit on a toilet waiting to be prodded in the ear by your penis can you? And how accurate are the biro scrawled messages on the wall saying ‘will blow you here on 1st April 2006 at 11pm’. And even sillier to leave your own advert saying ‘I’d like to blown here on 1st April 2006 at 11pm’ because you’ve just told the local constabulary what you’re going to do. But look on the bright side – while they are there the police can use a baton to crack the head of the robber’s accomplice that is circumcising you with his teeth while the robber helps himself to your wallet and watch.

Considering these options you’d probably be happy with a toothless octogenarian playing your blue veined flute for ten minutes on the other side of the wall. Reality can be harsh but considering the type of toilets that glory holes are found the odds are pretty slim that you’re going to hit the jackpot.

Now, time to be subjective. Lets say in the words of Rhett Butler that ‘quite frankly you don’t give a damn’ who is on the other side of the glory hole as long as you get the job done. Firstly how do find an active glory hole with regular providers? Well you could pop to B&Q and purchase the equipment to make a hole in your own bathroom wall. That way unless your partner is a copper there’s little chance of being arrested. Be aware that you need to be in a private house and not flats or bed sits with a communal bathroom!

Another sure-fire way of scoring a hit is to arrange to meet someone you already know in a specific porcelain paradise at a specific time for your glory hole fun. While this may take the thrill of the unknown away slightly it’s going to stop you getting your tackle bitten and your money stolen or worse still having your name in lights in the local paper for being a ‘pervert’ because you can bet your bottom dollar the newspapers won’t see glory holes as an exciting way to spice up your life. Its still risqué and has a certain element of danger to it if that’s your bag because anyone could walk in. While you’re thinking that be aware that it would pay to be punctual because if you turn up later than your blower there is the slight chance he or she might be noshing someone else who can’t believe his luck by the time you arrive. Unless the blower has a good picture of your chopper in their mind they might mistake someone else’s for yours. That’s not to say you should write your name on yours to avoid confusion. If it is a policeman the other side of the wall they have your name and as soon as you hear a crackle and someone ask for a P check on your name you know the next words are going to be along the lines of “I’m arresting you under section 66 of the Sex Act. You do not have to say anything but…”

So, are glory holes worth the risk? Well, if risking your name and reputation is the kind of buzz you’re after, short of swinging your bollocks round to the sound of the music in the crisps and nuts aisle in Asda on late night shopping it’s a risky enough business and fraught with danger so it should hit the spot. If however you can’t really afford to become a neighbourhood celebrity and have a brass plaque dedicated to you in your local pub’s gents toilets then glory holes are not for you. But it’s your choice.

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